


To Love And Lose, Or Never Love At All

by Spoofen



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa 3: The End of 希望ヶ峰学園 | The End of Kibougamine Gakuen | End of Hope's Peak High School, Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: Fluff, I'm bad at tags, M/M, basically komaeda has his world view shattered and rebuilt in 2.5k words, post-dr3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-05
Updated: 2017-11-05
Packaged: 2019-01-29 19:36:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,536
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12637767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spoofen/pseuds/Spoofen
Summary: Komaeda and Hinata have a long-needed conversation on the beach. Some tears are shed.





	To Love And Lose, Or Never Love At All

**Author's Note:**

> I started this fic in the summer because I couldn't get the phrase "isn't it better to have loved and lost, than never having loved at all?" in relation to this pairing out of my brain. I remembered my first draft just yesterday and decided to finish it just for the heck of it. Enjoy!

I stand on the beach, watching the ocean as a breeze ruffles my hair gently. I’ve been spending a lot of time on the beach lately; ever since waking up, in fact. There’s something about the way the ocean never changes that sets my mind at peace, helps me forget my problems for a little while.

The sound of a pair of feet approaching turns my attention away from my thoughts. I turn, slightly, and my suspicions of who would come join me at the beach are confirmed when I see Hinata walking up to me. My heart skips a beat, even when I expected him finding me here.

“Oh, Hinata-kun, hello! You like watching the ocean, too?”

“No, actually,” Hinata starts speaking, looking at me with determination, “I came here to find you.”

“Me? What could you possibly want with me?”, I say, but I already know exactly what he’s here to talk about. There’s been enough whispers around the island lately about the two of us, rumors, assumptions. We’ve been aware of them for quite some time, and Hinata’s even tried to breach the subject a few times, but I’ve managed to avoid it well enough.

_I guess this is the end of my good luck, then._

“You know what I want with you, Komaeda,” Hinata says, confirming my suspicions yet again. “You’ve heard the others. You know what they’re saying about us.”

“Ah, right, the rumors,” I say noncommittally, turning my gaze toward the ocean. “I truly am sorry you need to be associated with someone like me in such a way. It can’t be pleasant.”

“You know that’s not the problem,” Hinata retorts. I see him crossing his arms across his chest in the corner of my eye. “And I’ve told you, enough with the ‘someone like me’ talk. It just makes it harder for you to get along with everyone.”

“Do I need to, though? I’m quite content keeping to myself, you know. You’re the only one who bothers trying to get along with me.”

“No, you just keep avoiding everyone so they don’t get a chance to get to know you. The only reason you’ve let me get this far is because you like me, right?”

I flinch, and immediately curse myself silently for not keeping my reactions in check. I keep my gaze focused on the horizon.

“What makes you say that, Hinata-kun?”, I speak in a voice that’s far too soft. Hinata groans beside me, lifting a hand up to rub his temple.

“Don’t think I’m stupid, Komaeda. It’s pretty obvious with, well, _everything_. Didn’t you even confess to me? In the program?”

I turn around, _too fast, too quickly_ , and look at him in surprise. “You heard that? I thought-”

“No, I heard it. I didn’t get what you were saying at the time, but I get it now. And…”

His gaze falters, flickers to the side a few times as he clenches and unclenches his hands. A bead of sweat rolls down his forehead. I realize I’m holding my breath, and remind myself to start breathing again as I watch Hinata overcome his internal struggle. A pool of dread is slowly forming in my stomach.

Hinata finally looks into my eyes again, straightening his back with newfound determination.

“I… I like you too, Komaeda.”

The words stab right through my heart and start spinning around in my head. I try to comprehend the meaning of it, but it escapes me, as if it’s something I’m not supposed to understand. The pool of dread in my stomach has solidified and is now a boulder, weighing me down.

I realize I’ve spent too much time silent. I blink my eyes and focus on Hinata again, seeing his concerned expression. I open my mouth to speak, but immediately close it again, as there are no words forming in my head other than Hinata’s confession still bouncing around, taunting me with its presence.

I clear my throat. My body is in full fight-or-flight mode, ready to escape at a second’s notice, every nerve wound up tighter than a wind-up toy in the hands of a toddler.

“I… that’s- that’s… nice. I- have to go,” and I turn around, willing my body not to start running in a full panic, starting to walk away-

Something grabs my sleeve, holding me in place. I look back, seeing Hinata’s hand clutching my sleeve tightly.

“Why are you running away?” Hinata’s gaze pierces through me, lit with poorly disguised anger. “Isn’t this what you want?”

I stare at Hinata’s hand, as if my gaze alone could cause the hand to spontaneously let go. I swallow, take a deep breath, and another one, and look up to meet his eyes.

“Sometimes, you can’t have what you want. That’s my reality, Hinata-kun. You should realize that by now.”

Anger flashes over Hinata’s features briefly, but he clutches his eyes shut and wills his expression into something more neutral, less accusatory.

“I know that, but… if this is something we both want, it should be okay, right? So why do you still..?”

I sigh, heavily. He still hasn’t let go of my sleeve.

“Weren’t you listening, Hinata-kun? I told you about what happened to my parents. Everyone else gets the right idea about me and stays far, far away from me, so why do you have to be so difficult?”

He looks down a bit, breaking eye contact. In the silence that follows, I look at his downturned head, considering his thoughtful expression. For a second, it feels like he’s about to let go of my sleeve, but then he grabs my prosthetic hand, _the one he made_ , with his other hand instead, looking up to meet my eyes with resolution in his face, his voice.

“Isn’t it better to have loved and lost than never having loved at all?”

I blink, once, twice. Then, my mouth twitches, and a light chuckle trickles out of it. I shake my head and touch my free hand to my forehead. _He’s gripping my hand. Tightly._

“Your view on the situation is idealistic, Hinata-kun. I know you’re trying to make me feel better and ease up, but… Have you ever loved and _truly_ lost?

“I’m not talking about falling out, or moving away, or breaking up,” I continue, looking at him through my fingers. For some reason, it’s hard meeting his eyes. I end up looking into his forehead. “Those aren’t permanent. When I lose something, I _lose_ it. They don’t wait for me to relocate them. They’re _gone_ , Hinata-kun, gone forever.”

“I know, Komaeda,” Hinata replies. “I _have_ lost, though. I’ve lost Nanami, not once, but _twice_. I’ve lost everyone who died in the Neo World Program. Among those was you, Komaeda.”

“They all came back, though. It’s not the-”

“I didn’t _know_ they’d come back,” Hinata interrupts, squeezing my hand. “I didn’t know. The experience is the same, Komaeda, the experience of losing something you’ve loved.”

A twinge of anger has me shake my hand free from his. Why can’t he understand? “Why are you so determined on this now? You’ve been avoiding me all this time. You were creeped out by me, I know you were. Why are you so determined to fix that now? Is it because you know I’m dying now?” I throw my hands out in exasperation. “You know I could die whenever, so you feel sorry for me? Pity? Is that it?”

“Komaeda-”

“I don’t WANT your pity! I never asked for your pity! I may be trash, and irredeemable, and disgusting, but-”

“ _NAGITO!_ ”

The sudden exclaim of my given name snaps my mouth shut, and I finally look into his eyes again. His anger and frustration is gone, replaced only by tiredness and… hurt?

“Komaeda, it’s… you’re wrong. I don’t pity you, and I’m not… taking advantage of your illness. What even makes you _say_ that?”

“Isn’t it a logical conclusion? You know I don’t have long, so you think you might as well let me indulge for the little time I have left. Am I wrong?”

Hinata flinches at that, looking even more hurt. I furrow my brow. Why is _he_ getting hurt?

“That’s not- it’s not even _true_. You’re not… wait.” Hinata furrows his brows in return, looking at me with an incredulous expression. “You mean you don’t know..?”

“Know what?” I snap at him, confused, frustrated.

“Your lymphoma was treated, wasn’t it? While you were at Hope’s Peak. You’ve been cancer-free for years.”

I stare at him for a second. Memories flash through my head, images of hospital gowns and large machines and nurses tending to me. I blink, again. Something Hinata said shortly after my awakening drifts through my head. _Your memories from before the Program are still in your head somewhere. You might not remember them right away, and it might confuse you for a while, but they’re definitely in there. Most of them will probably come at night, though, as nightmares. That’s how it’s been for the others._

“I… right. I do remember that. But- there’s still the dementia, right? That’s not…”

“Right, I… forgot to tell you, didn’t I?” Hinata looks away, looking a little dejected. I keep my eyes focused on him, confusion muddling my thoughts.

Hinata looks at me through the corner of his eye, giving me an apologetic smile.

“I… kinda cured your dementia. I couldn’t recover what’s already deteriorated, but your condition won’t get worse. You’re… cured.”

I stare at him. And keep staring. I briefly notice that my jaw is slack, but neither my brain nor body seem to know what to do about that, as I keep staring at Hinata. He squirms in place, suddenly unable to meet my eyes as he looks down into the sand, rubbing his neck with one hand. His cheeks flush.

“While you were in the program… While all of you were in the program, me and the rest of the- well, I guess you could call us survivors? We did everything we could to get you to wake up. While we were working, I ended up looking into everyone’s health and medical conditions, and… I guess my Ultimate Doctor or Ultimate Neurologist or something took over? I was kinda out of it for a few days, people had to come remind me to eat and stuff, but after a while I… I just _knew_. That I’d cured you. That you wouldn’t… get any worse.”

He looks up at me again, more composed. I still haven’t moved, just staring slackjawed at him.

“You’re _cured_ , Komaeda.”

My knees give out under me and I slump down onto the sand. Slowly, the words Hinata has said start making sense, the puzzle pieces connect, and I look down at my hands. They’re trembling. I look back up at Hinata, who kneels down onto the sand, looking at me with a concerned expression again.

“I’m not… dying?” are the only words I’m able to speak as I gaze into Hinata’s olive and red eyes, and he tilts his head slightly and gives me a genuine smile, placing his hand on my shoulder.

“No. You’re not dying. You’re going to live.”

“What… about you? If we… if you… my luck…”

My lack of articulation doesn’t hinder Hinata’s understanding of what I’m trying to say, and his expression softens.

“I’ll be fine, Komaeda. Did you forget about my talents? There’s some Ultimate Luck somewhere in there, too.”

My resolve finally breaks. A sob escapes me as I lean forward, lean into Hinata, and I lift my arms to clutch them at the back of his shirt. I let it all out, then and there; tears of relief, tears of sadness, tears of overwhelming emotion that have been kept inside for far too long. I’m only barely aware of Hinata wrapping his arms around me, steadying me as I let out years’ worth of tears.

After God knows how long, my sobs finally subside and I lean off of Hinata, sniffling lightly as I dry my eyes with my sleeve. I note, slightly ashamed, that I’ve left tear stains all over the front of Hinata’s shirt. He doesn’t even seem to notice, however, as he just looks at me with an unfamiliar expression that radiates warmth.

“I… sorry about that,” I begin weakly, but Hinata quickly shushes me.

“Don’t apologize for crying. It’s good to express your emotions and have outlets for them.”

“Is that you or the Ultimate Psychologist speaking?” I chuckle lightly, finally meeting his eyes. I must look like an absolute mess, even more so than usual, but Hinata only smiles back.

“Maybe a bit of both,” he responds, standing up and offering a hand to me as support. I take it and get up, wiping sand off my clothes.

We look at each other for a moment, still holding each other’s hands. The silence between us now feels comfortable, much unlike the many awkward, tense silences we have shared in the past few weeks. I smile, genuinely, as I look into Hinata’s eyes.

After a moment, Hinata’s eyes flicker to our hands, still connected. His face flushes, and he quickly lets go. I chuckle and take a step closer.

“So… you wanted to talk to me?” I say with a wide smile. Hinata looks back at me, face still somewhat flushed, and smiles back at me.

“Right. Yes. That is what I came here to do, isn’t it?” He chuckles nervously. The image of a high school girl about to confess to her crush comes to mind. _Cute_.

“What about?”

“Well, you know. The rumors. How everyone… already assumes we’re together. Maybe we should just… you know,” Hinata rambles while scratching at his cheek, eyes looking slightly past me, into the ground.

“Make them come true?” I suggest, leaning closer.

“I… yes. That’s what I’d like, at least,” he says, looking at me again. “W-what about you?”

I hum, tapping a finger against my chin, feigning consideration of Hinata’s proposal. When he starts looking like he’s about to ask if I heard him right, I flash him a smile.

“Of course!” I exclaim and pull him into a hug. He barks out a short, relieved laugh and wraps his arms around me, again, as we share an embrace under the tropical sun.

When I loosen my grip to let go of Hinata, he suddenly moves one of his arms to cup one of my cheeks in his hand. He turns his face towards mine, tilting it slightly as he brings himself closer, and then our lips connect and my eyes widen and my brain all but short-circuits as he presses his lips against mine. It takes me a full two seconds to react, to close my eyes and press back, to lift one hand up to the back of his head and bury my fingers in the short, spiky hair.

After a few seconds, which feel like eternities, we separate, leaning our foreheads against each other. The corners of my lips tug upwards, and I smile the most genuinely I have in years, as Hinata lets out a bubbling laughter.

_Maybe my good luck is only starting._

**Author's Note:**

> Some expansion on my personal post-SDR2&DR3 headcanons:
> 
> \- Hinata, fresh out of the program and unused to having like hundreds of talents stuffed in his brain, spaces out when he uses said talents. As in, he literally can't remember what he's done after he's done it if it's directly connected to one of his many talents. He has potential to learn to remain in control while using his talents, but it'll take a while for him to grow used to them like that.
> 
> \- Hinata made Komaeda's robot arm (spaced out and unaware, of course). I see all y'all's "Souda made it to apologize for his rude behavior" but, c'mon.
> 
> \- Komaeda, post-Program, keeps to himself mostly because he's afraid of growing attached to his classmates, as that'd put them at risk of being taken away from him due to his luck cycle. Hinata's own luck, however, neutralizes most of the extreme bad luck Komaeda might experience, and he ends up with more manageable levels of bad luck, such as accidentally breaking things or being inconvenienced.
> 
> I think those are all the relevant headcanons I've got? Anyway, I'm deep into NDRV3 hell right now so if I'm lucky, I might post something related to that at some point. At the moment, I only have a longer fic idea for it, though, and I'm very nearly physically unable to keep motivated enough to write multichapter fics, so chances are low. But if some good one-shots come to me, maybe I'll write them? Who knows! I'm keeping everyone on edge, especially myself!
> 
> Anyway, thanks for reading! Hit me up on Twitter or Tumblr @spoofenshmirtz if y'all wanna talk!


End file.
